I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
