Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
