Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
