the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
