so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
