Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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