So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
