I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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