I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
They took my balls.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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