Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm passing your future prison.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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