No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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