Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
