Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
