I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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