New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
