Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
