My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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