it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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