If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
