I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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