Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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