oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
