you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
