ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
