my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
