Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wish there were birth control emojis
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
