Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Swine flu is the new snow day.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
