You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
