i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
