all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
