So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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