The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
