apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
