if you like me you must not know who I am
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
