she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
