Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
