what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
