apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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