Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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