Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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