There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
