i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
