TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
