I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
