Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
