i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
