I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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