I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
