Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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