I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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