My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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