I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
